Parental guilt, commonly associated with many mothers, can also affect fathers and other caregivers. It is a common feeling among parents who feel they aren’t doing a good enough full time job parenting their children. Although a certain amount of mommy guilt is acceptable, it can become problematic. In particular, if the guilt women experience affects their relationships with friends and family and lowers their sense of self-worth and contentment in life.
What Is Mom Guilt?
Having mom guilt or dad guilt is the perception that you’re not providing enough care, love, and support to your children. It can occur at any moment, but common causes include returning to work after a week or month off, balancing household and childrearing obligations with professional commitments, and handling unfavorable comments and opinions from others regarding your parenting choices and method.
Other moms need help to balance their personal needs and parental responsibilities, and they may feel bad about giving self-care or feel inadequate because time spent with their kids a lower priority, which makes a mother think that she is a bad mom. While a certain amount of guilt is normal, it becomes problematic when you obsess over minor issues and lose sight of the bigger picture. Unresolved guilt can even be harmful, as it can result in bad habits and occasionally even depression.
What Causes Most Mom Guilt?
Parents feel guilty in many situations. Some of the reasons include:
Comparing Self To Others
Mom guilt usually happens when you feel like you aren’t living up to the type of parent you want to be. That is the start where you try to compare yourself to others and question your capabilities. You begin to think you are not giving your best to take care of your kids and the whole family.
Different Parenting Styles
Everyone handles their children differently, which doesn’t make any parenting style above others. Having a different parenting style is acceptable because some parenting strategies that work for others might not work for you. However, what makes you feel guilty as a parent is when the people around you question your method, especially if it is not showing any positive results.
Feeling Bored
You might experience mom guilt if you feel bored and want time away from your kids. Though this can be a common scenario for someone like you who only wants time off, lacking adult engagement or communication with your kids and the inability to explain the need for self-care can cause an emotional and mental strain on you.
Losing Your Temper
It’s normal to find your beloved children annoying at times. It’s also normal to lose your temper with them or your partner because you’re only human and always deal with different emotions. Yes, losing a temper can trigger mom guilt because there are moments when you are extremely angry, you begin to say mean things to your children, and it often hurts their feelings.
Criticism From Family Members
Of course, when people tell you that you are not doing your parenting job well, it contributes to guilt. The feelings of guilt, judgment and invalidation can creep up and continually hold you back from your true parenting potential. While family members commonly make unfavorable or unwanted remarks and condemn your parenting technique, it would still feel like you are failing your children due to a few negative feedbacks.
Too Much Screen Time
You may often feel guilty if you think your child spends too much time in front of screens. That is because you focus more on your failure as a parent due to your inability to connect with your kids. In some unfortunate cases, when your kids spend time on their computers and mobile devices or social media, you think that is okay. So you also think that you have the right to do the screen time as well, not knowing that you are only detaching from your connection because you need to focus on spending time with your kids.
Work Hours
Feeling mom guilt is common when you are taking your kids to preschool or daycare centers or, let alone, hiring a nanny to care for them just because you need to work. Sometimes, mom guilt can be as devastating as when you end up not wanting to work anymore to be with your kids. Also, if you work from home, mom guilt can still creep up on you because you’ll feel like you have to steal time for work. The negative feelings often leave you working late into the night to try and do it all. There’s a working mom guilt that’s lurking and often can’t accomplish the to do list.
Striving To Be A ‘Perfect Mom’
Constantly worrying about being a good mom and providing and getting everything right can trigger guilty feelings, stress, anxiety, and depression. That is because the unrealistic idea of a “perfect mom” contributes to feeling like you are not doing your best to become the ideal parent, and you struggle frequently to live up to everyone’s or others expectations.
What Can You Do To Cope With Mom Guilt?
While a certain dose of mom guilt is usual, it’s essential not to let your emotions come in the way. Beating yourself up and constantly thinking about your failures or constantly feeling guilty will only make matters worse. You must learn to give yourself a break because you need it.
Recognize Irrational Thoughts
A classic example of unhealthy mom guilt is worrying incessantly about being away from your kids. It is where you often think about quitting your job because you feel like your career is taking too much of your time and energy, which was supposed to be for your children. With these, you have to recognize these irrational thoughts and focus on what’s more practical. Yes, your children need you. But you don’t have to throw away opportunities just because your mind tells you that you must constantly be there for your children. Once you’ve identified the irrational thoughts that trigger feelings of mom’s guilt, the next step is to change them.
Help Yourself First
You first need to realize that parenting is tough and can drain all your mental well being and emotional energy. So before you can promise your kids that you can become the best parent they need, you must focus on getting better. You need to help yourself. You have to find ways to let all the negative emotions out so that you won’t use these negativities to mentally or emotionally hurt your children in an unexpected way. Recognize your overall own needs to determine your strengths and weaknesses. Remember, helping yourself before helping others isn’t selfish. So, if you feel racing thoughts and guilt feelings creeping in, stop and take a deep breath.
Show Self-Compassion
Your guilt may take you to a point where you will believe that you are not worthy of your kids’ attention and love. But do not be hard on yourself. You must show self-compassion to stay positive in handling things around you, such as your work, time with the kids, marriage or relationship, financial duties, house assignments, and more. You must realize that you can only recover from your guilt by looking through the positive things inside you.
Share Your Responsibilities
Of course, you can believe you can manage because you are a parent who knows what to do. Most of the time, you know what your children need. But frankly, there will be times that even if you think you have it all figured out, you will still end up losing control. There will be a lot of things on the table that you will have issues managing mom guilt with. So, instead of being overly confident about handling your family and children the way you think you can, seek help. Ask a close relative, a friend, or your partner to lift some of the tasks for you. Share your responsibility so you will keep track of your well being stability. Please don’t attempt to try it all.
Nurture Your Relationships
When you constantly focus on your kids and your family, you sometimes end up alone. That is because you chose not to socialize due to your kids. But to get rid of that mom guilt, you must understand that you must nurture your relationship with your kids and your partner and inner circle. You have to nurture your relationship with other people so that you can understand your personal requirements on mental and emotional levels. Surround yourself with a positive and loving support group of people who are more than willing to support you and not judge you on your parenting style.
Talk To A Professional
Sometimes, your guilt can cause you too much stress and anxiety. In some unfortunate instances, it can lead to a series of depressive episodes and even trigger symptoms of other mental health issues. Therefore, when you find yourself struggling with too many warning signs, you need to seek professional help right away. Reach out to a professional so they can help you deal with your psychological issues and assist you with your emotional dilemma as well.
Conclusion
Becoming a parent is one of the most difficult feelings yet gratifying occupations in the world. Therefore, refrain from letting mom guilt define your quality of life. Yes, it’s normal to occasionally experience maternal guilt. And as long as you have coping strategies in place, considering a date night with your kids while being a productive working mom, it’s acceptable for you to go through it. If not, mom guilt may impair your parenting skills and keep you from developing a strong bond with your children.
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